I’m an adopted Asian American learning to accept myself.

We all learn to accept ourselves for who we are at some point in life, but when will my time come?

I was adopted at four months old from Seoul, South Korea. My parents are Caucasian and both are professors at different colleges. I’ve had issues with being adopted in the past, and sometimes it still comes up in my life, but I’ve accepted that part. What I haven’t accepted is being an Asian American.

I watched an interview yesterday on CNN about an African American man from Canada that said he ‘hates being a black male.’ It made me think about myself and how sometimes I hate being an Asian American. My friends and family tell me I’m exotic and beautiful, but of course I don’t believe or trust them. It’s hard to accept who I am when my brother, who is also adopted, is okay with who he is.

After a rough four years of high school, I decided to take a few years off from school. I’ve gone back to a community college part-time, but I’d rather work. My father is a professor of Sociology at Rhode Island College, and my mother is a professor of English and Children’s Literature at Wheaton College. With that being said, it’s a lot of pressure on myself to go back to school and get my degree.

Aren’t Asians supposed to be smart and go on to be doctors and scientists? That’s how I view it. My perception is so fucked over that sometimes I wonder what’s real and what’s fake. I also look for that person that can make me feel beautiful inside and out. That’s never going to happen. Yeah I’m young, at twenty two years old I still don’t know what life has planned for me.

Sometimes I have a feeling I’m going to die young. I’m born to live fast and then die young. My parents don’t believe me but I also hardly believe them.

Why can’t I be a Caucasian woman with beautiful blonde hair. Or maybe a biracial woman with beautiful facial features and amazing unique hair. We all want what we can’t have right? Right.


14 thoughts on “I’m an adopted Asian American learning to accept myself.

  1. Who would you trust and/or believe if they told you were beautiful inside and out and intelligent? Why do you think your brother accepts himself(are you sure he does) and you don’t?

    1. You know I’ve never thought of that. I compare too much. I think in my mind that because he’s also adopted and has no issues and does so well, that there’s something wrong with me because I can’t.

  2. Learning to accept yourself is s difficult task that every soul must go through. The universe will give you situations as a tool to help you get there, so pay close attention. Every situation is different. In your case, maybe you have not accepted yourself yet because you feel your biological parents did not accept you. We suppress a lot of thougts and feelings and as a result they manifest themselves in different forms. One of my best friends is also an adopted korean and has probably shared the same feelings you have. None of this was an accident. It’s all a means of the universe helping us realize that there is a oneness we are all a part of. When your friends and family tell you that you’re beautiful and exotic, it is not to make you feel better. Under the white, black, yellow, orange, or whatever color skin, we all look the same. Biologically or not, you are their child whom they have raised and they will always see through your vessel. All major and minor instances and people you have associated with up to this point have gotten you where you are now and have shaped how you feel and think. Maybe accepting that the past is done and over will help you focus on the power of the present. Nothing is more important than living in the now because past is done and the future is more or less fantast and both are effected by what you are doing this very moment. Dont compare your progress of self acceptance to others because like you said, everyone takes a different path. Practice patience, with those around and more importantly, yourself. Be more self aware. Love and accept yourself for everything you are so you can begin moving forward. You will see a whole new universe appear before you. Dont waste your time fantasizing about being someone or something else or being in a different circumstance (plus i think you are very gorgeous person). I am rambling now. Good luck.

  3. Unlike you, I was raised where you were taken away from. Raised there till 9 and moved to the States where I’ve had multi ethnic group of friends. Always feeling lost, never feeling like I fit in 100%, something always missing? I’ve jumped from “friends” trying to figure where I fit in. I had forgotten my native language and my English wasn’t any better. Thank you for writing this, it was well read. Brings a relief to my concerns that I am not the only one. Being able to relate as well. Was never the smartest kid on the block, never was smart to begin with. Dropped out of High School, worked till I finally got myself to take the GED test and go to a community college…didn’t finish that either and now I am once again in a Caucasian dominated group where I am the odd one out, never feeling like I fit in 100%. All other Asians from high school in some fancy expensive college and here i am…No matter how much I plead my case, I will never be a Marine to others eyes. The perception of a Marine is a tall, Caucasian or black male, handsome, toned and muscular who was raised in the south but when we bleed we all bleed red. So why am I not a Marine outside my uniform? I’m either a “chink” or some other not so very original racial nonsense. So…your not alone, I’m not a doctor or a dentist, I’m no genious, defiantly not your average asian. I fight to defend a country that I wasn’t even born in. I feel as though I should be a proud American born Caucasian but I look at the mirror and only see a 24yr old asian who doesn’t know where he belongs. All I have is my tattoos that remind me who I am. Korean flag on right shoulder, American flag on left but another American flag close to my heart to remind me who I fight for. I feel like I was just ranting on but it’s only cause I’m not as good with words as you are.

      1. Thank you for the kind words! Nothing will ever be easy I guess. Just like to think there’s always someone who has it worse. From your writings, you seem amazing as well, don’t stop writing! I’d love to discuss more as well, it’s always a big joy whenever I find other people feel they are lost and don’t belong!

      2. K, well…I read up a little about how you were picked on because of your ethnicity…how did that make you feel? I’m pretty sure u felt you were no different than others. Must have been difficult…I know as a kid, when called “chink” and “sushi”, being asked if I eat dogs and cats made me feel so segregated. I was the only Asian in my group of friends so I was always the ugly duckling of the group.

      3. I’m still picked on because of my ethnicity…almost everyday, but I just smile and tell myself that that person is either uninformed and old fashioned or they’re ignorant and that’s the world we live in … Mostly in high school were the nasty comments but I’ve grown a lot and writing helps me too. Don’t worry, I’m sure you are FAR from an ugly duckling

      4. But there has to be a limit to the name callings and the racisms. What makes you snap? I could take being called a chink, small/slanted eyes, dog/cat eater but I snap when they make fun that I’m a North Korean spy. That I look like their leader. I can’t stand that, especially when coming from guys who aren’t even patriotic, joined to get free college and cause they had nothing to do. Thank you! It’s nice to hear that from someone as beautiful and independent as you.

      5. Thanks!! Feel free to Facebook me if you have that. I’m trying to get into a social work program in college to work with adopted children in the future … For me what makes me snap is when someone thinks they’re right but then again you have to train your mind to just KNOW there’s really nasty people out there in this world. There’s nothing we can do it about it. this society we live in is unfair, I’ve had my bouts of anger from racism, but in the end, that person that’s being racist wants a response from you, and if you give them a response, you’re giving in and letting that person win. You got this!!

      6. How do I Facebook you?? Sorry. I’m slowly falling behind on technology and social media. Part time job motivational speaker?? Lol

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